Epitaph, Part One.

Husband and I agree we share a self-pledge this year. Call it a resolution if you like, but I tend to feel like that word is just a touch depressing. A pledge, on the other hand, feels more optimistic. More like forward motion. So, we’re making a pledge to ourselves to go into the next year and the next decade with optimism. To be more positive. To keep perspective fully in mind as we face whatever comes next individually and as a unit. In my mind, part of that pledge is a need to bid so long to what I’ll call LBTD. That’s Life Before The Disease. Although I’m still not officially diagnosed & am currently stuck in a holding pattern regarding treatment, prognosis, etcetera…it is obvious that my life cannot return to what it was 9 weeks ago.

In an effort to honor my pledge & promise for positivity, I thought it best to just go ahead and eulogize the life I knew. Which, let’s be honest, is kind of an oxymoron. Like most people, I’ve stumbled and fumbled and played catch up…I didn’t ever really have a grasp on it. I’ve spent 38 years making it up as I went along. My LBTD was littered with good intentions. Goals set, met, missed and flat out avoided. I had experiences that spanned the spectrum of emotion. I made some messes that I never really cleaned up. I shared that life with some truly amazing people and some pretty awful ones, too. It was a blessed life and I’m grateful for it. But, color me melodramatic, I don’t feel it’s one to which I can ever really return. The facts of this thing I most likely have will be with me from here on out. And the way my insides work…I have to separate myself, or I’ll wander into the next decade looking wistfully over my shoulder and yearning for a health and confidence that I perceive is now beyond my reach. It’s hard to move forward when you’re treading water.
On that note, I thank the Universe for the last 38+ years and 99% of everything that happened during (I reserve the right to hold the 1% I could have done without as flags for things to avoid in the future). I don’t turn my back on that life all-together, of course. I need to continue to learn from it, and from all the people that participated. But I think it will be most productive if I embrace a new view of existence. One that holds from the get-go that I have a precious Life After Knowing. If this thing is going to be a factor ever after, now is my clean slate. My fresh start. It’s not and can’t be a do-over, but I don’t think I want a do-over. That would be cheating, don’t you think? Better to take what I know now and use it to build anew. Knowledge is power. I pledge to be optimistic.  It’s a new year, a new decade and I’m in very good company. To quote Ms. Simone, “it’s a new dawn, a new day and I’m feelin’ good.”
Thank you, Nina.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *